Time for a little soul searching, mind bending, heart rending honesty about how I feel and where I am . .

*WARNING: this may be too honest and it will not be grammatically correct*

So I am feeling less . . not enough for God to use me in a mighty way . . and definitely having nowhere to fit in . . nowhere I am welcome as is . . it is funny (sad) to listen to/observe how others view me . . . . . . not good enough . . stuck up . . not saved . . too religious . . . . on and on and on . . . . . I have been in Toledo 1 1/2 years and still don’t have a best friend. . you know, that one girlfriend I can openly chat with about anything . . funny how I’ve finally been ready, after years as a loner, to have a close friend again and just can’t seem to make that connection . . not just someone I can text/call but someone who initiated texts/calls to me too! 😕

{10.8.18 @12:02am}

So, it is late . . I am going to stop and pray and embroider a bit . .

{12:33am}

I have to be who God is calling me to be . . and that may simply mean that I need to remain a loner, at least for the most part.

And I know that God is doing so much in my life . . the homeless survival bags bless my life as much as they bless the recipients! The joy of knowing someone lost now knows God’s love . . that’s such a feeling!

And I know I still have my calling . . to be a Pastor’s wife . . and out there somewhere is a man praying as hard for me as I am praying for him.

You see, for me to fulfill my calling and fully serve God I NEED a man after God’s own heart . . a man who lives to serve God . . a man who can see that serving together will accomplish more for the kingdom than serving alone. . . and so I will keep praying for him . .

Meanwhile . .

I have to go forward alone. I am so done wondering when I’ll find a close girlfriend I can really trust . . AND when “Mr. On Fire for Jesus” will show up and present himself . . both situations are what they are . .

And life goes on . . helping the homeless (they are my heart) . . . settling my sweet Matt into school . . improving my blog . . finishing some of my Bible studies . . paying down/off bills. . . hiking (in the woods and urbex) . .. and even more intentional prayer time!!

Until God moves in my life I’m going to sit back and enjoy it just as it is!!!